Follow Your Heart: What do I want?

This is a question I've been asking myself a lot lately... What do I really want?

I think this question is so important to me because my desires shape everything I think, say, pray for, do, etc.

It's not complete. But this is what I've come up with so far:

The Narrative

"I've stopped praying about dating and marriage." I admitted. "In fact my prayers recently have been 'Please bless that my experiences foster faith and not doubt.' Because I can feel the doubt creeping in... He'll answer every other prayer--everything else. But not my prayers about dating and marriage. Ever."

"That's not good, Rooskies..." she responded with concern.

"That's how it is." I conceded. "Can you think of a prayer that has ever been answered?" I was hopeful that maybe she could.

"Well, no..." she responded.

"Yeah..." I said in defeat. "In my heart of hearts, honestly truly, I feel like it'll just fall into my lap when the time is right. I feel like I need to be working on certain things and when I'm there, the Lord will literally lead me to him. But my trusted confidants--all doctrinally intune--have counseled me to use my agency, put in the work, not be so picky--"

"Wait! So what is your heart saying?!" she interjected.

"My heart?" I said with reluctance.

"Yes!" Her enthusiasm was growing.

"My heart? I don't trust my heart. My heart didn't produce what I thought it would in the past. And all my trusted support system have confirmed the extremities of my ways. 'If you're doing the same things you've always done Meags, you're gonna get the same results.'"

"That doesn't matter! What does you heart say?! That's the problem Meags! You're not listening to your heart!!!"

The inner turmoil of frustration boiled over. I started to cry. She continued as I tried to compose myself. "Rooskies you have to listen to your heart!!!"

"I was wrong in the past." I barely managed.

Her excitement hadn't faltered. "First off, your expectations didn't take into account agency. And if there's any other error in your experience, give yourself a timeline. Set a deadline for yourself. Allow yourself to fully embrace what your heart is saying until that deadline-don't drag it out for a decade. But listen to your heart."

I was still struggling to speak. But a greeting card I received long ago that had always resonated with me came to my mind, Follow your heart. It knows the way. She valiantly pushed forward.

By the end of our telephone call I was feeling better. Once I hung up I grabbed my journal and unabashedly I wrote down what my heart was telling me--what my heart has always been telling.

And that's when I realized! Wait, everything that my heart has been telling me is all the things I have received answers to--freely! Profession, home ownership, friendships, family, church service, health... Those prayers were the prayers I felt inspired to offer. Those were the prayers I confidently pulled down the powers of heaven for. Those prayers I knew the Lord would answer. So what if, what if those are the things I'm supposed to be focused on. What if the Lord is willing and wanting to give me what I want--even if it takes more time than "traditional Mormon girls" life-path....? And so I just need to keep working on spiritual and temporal self-reliance. And when I get to the point I see in my...soul--which I have not gotten to yet-then I can pray for dating and marriage. And He will give it to me?

In the subtlest of ways, clouds of years were parting and a culmination of experiences and increased wisdom were elevating my vision: Follow your heart--it knows the way.

Follow Your Heart

What do I want?

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