Loneliness

*WARNING: (Unfiltered) reflection journal novel ahead. No offense taken if skipped.

This weekend was a lonely weekend. Or maybe it was a boring weekend. I had nothing planned. Nothing at all. And I think it would have been a welcome reprieve if I had a super busy week. But I didn't. I didn't at all. So it was three days of all-day TED talks watching work week that led into a weekend with absolutely no plans. I even ran out of dramas to watch. So I was left with lots and lots and lots of time to think.

One: I could empathize with those that take their life. With no people and no purpose, there really is no reason to live. I wonder how people who don't have the gospel deal. I was grateful that I do have the gospel. That I've been taught the purpose of life and that people are essential to that purpose (so I know to be a people-person). I'm grateful that I know that there's opposition in all things, there are mortal elements (e.g. hormones) that help to provide the needed resistance for growth, that there are opportunities for choice--deliberate, intentional choice, and that these bouts are just that. They'll come but they'll go too.

The older I get the more I cherish and embrace these "mortal moments." Although it's usually just enough to help me develop more compassion, I'm grateful that it helps me better understand others and it helps me see just how blessed I am to have the gospel in my life and to have the healthy mind, body, and spirit that makes this mortal experience a relatively enjoyable experience.

Two: I've been missing Korea. Drama marathons, messages from Korean friends, knowing that I can't just walk down the street to the convenience store for an ice cream, old men downtown making comments as I walk pass, creeping me out in broad daylight, social media reminders of fond memories, etc.

I've learned that much of my desires is not desires for "replacements" but for "additions." So it's not that I want to replace my current residence with a Korean address. It's I want both. I want the safety of Korea and the familiarity of America. I want the Korean lunch and the American breakfast. I want the Korean cosmetics and the western colors. I want the Korean ability and the English fluency. I want the Korean rice cakes and the American baked goods. I want the Korean respect and the American confidence. I want the Korean clothes and the American styles. I want the Korean 오빠s and the American jocks. I want the Korean opportunities and the American privileges. etc.

Greedy, maybe. But then I thought, why not? Gratitude is essential. And being content with what you've been allotted is important. But I also believe that God's work and glory is in His progression, His increase, His expansion, His posterity, helping us become more so that we can handle more and continue to perpetuate more. So if I can be grateful for and learn to use my time and experience in America, I want to (somehow) expand that to include Korea (and then maybe Asia, and then the rest of the world, and then maybe galaxies beyond!!!)

Told you I had a lot of time to think.

So much time I thought about other desires too. Some of my desires I'd consider negotiables. Some of them non-negotiables. And then there are some that are in between. (e.g. hip hop dancing. Yup, it's not a negotiable for me--at least not yet. But I can't say it's a non-negotiable. I've always wanted to dance. Since I saw Ms. Juan's ESL class perform Quad City DJ's C'Mon 'N Ride (The Train) in Kekaha School cafeteria. The visual expression of rhythm and beat... I think it was the first time I saw something and thought I wish I was apart of that.) Anyway I started by considering these desires and seeking to know which ones are not aligned with a focus on Christ. It even inspired a purpose for fasting.

I'm starting to better understand as I approach my fasts like my prayers, I get answers to my fasts like I do to my prayers. This time was no exception: Keeping my focus on Christ, I have learned to simplify. Still keeping my focus on Christ, I have also learned to then prioritize. And as an answer to my fast, I was able to see how I can properly align my desires with my priorities. Which has brought clarity and peace. And unexpected direction:

I need to start going to the gym (i.e. YMCA). Physical health has been a goal of mines for a long time. But I feel like now is the time to allow the gym to become a priority. Why? Because despite all my other priorities, my number one priority is to bring my babies to this earth. I know for me to do that I need a healthy and strong body. To have a strong body I need to go to the gym.

With all my ponderings I'm always grateful when it produces an action item so I'm excited about this! Now I just hope and trust that the rest of my life has settled in such a way where I can make it to the gym. (And I also have to go to the temple this week. Another action-item take away from the weekend.)

Circling back to Korea, I thought about another TED talk I really enjoyed last week. The SparkNotes version is essentially this guy comes to understand and apply God's principle: "through small and simple are  great things brought to pass." He's able to accomplish an impressive amount of tasks, goals, and bucket list items with this approach. (If you're interested you can click here to watch it yourself.)

I thought about learning Korean as he described his efforts to learn German. Especially now that I don't feel "pressure" to learn Korean, I thought I could resume my TTMIK efforts and just listen to a lesson a day. And then whatever I could learn I could add to my resume of life experiences. And just enjoy that when you make marginal adjustments, great things happen (like me learning another language *insert face palm*).

The one unexpected plan I had this weekend happened for an hour and a half Saturday morning: ESL certification. Our stake is organizing an English class for church and community members and I was asked to participate. As I was sitting in the class I was thinking about how valuable experience is. I feel so much more prepared for this opportunity because of my experience. And yet, with my experience and the confidence it brings to such teaching opportunities, it's always amazing to me how other's experience and expertise can still add so much to my own. (Teacher's background was in linguistics and so it was cool to see her bring that to the table.)

Despite the gifts of experience throughout my thirty one years of life, this weekend also gave me time to think about all that I haven't experienced yet. Initially it was very discouraging to me. I'm going to be thirty-two next week and what did I have to speak for it??? A graduate degree. (Meh, it's pretty much a BA in this day and age.) A couple years abroad. (Most people go on missions too.) And a house. (Which I have more debt for.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. But I was reminded that left to my own devices, I'm pretty lacking. I felt a bit better when I actually wrote a list. And once I saw the letters 3 and 2 (which I'm not even yet), I didn't feel like such a disappointment. But I think what was most important was that I let it go.

As evidenced in my life, I can only accomplish so much on my own. BUT. There is Someone who is in the business of multiplying and increasing (as stated above). And so I just have to let go of all that I can't accomplish or can't become on my own. Be at peace with that. And then trust that the Savior can do something with it. And whatever He does with it, it's enough for me and it's enough for Him. 

As a youth leader we are invited to sit in during youth Sunday School. I was assigned to go and I'm glad I did. While the teacher began his lesson to discuss Christ's resurrection--I believe through inspiration--he shifted his direction when he realized the youth didn't have much to say about Christ. How can we talk about Christ's resurrection if we don't even know who Christ is?

I empathized with the silent responses because I too, when I was 15 and 16 would have given a general, rote answer as well. Who's Christ? He's the Savior of the world, our Elder Brother who died for us. But what does that really mean? More importantly, what does that mean for me?

It was humbling to know that while I didn't have the answer when I was a youth, I have it now. (And boy do I love to "soapbox" that knowledge and testimony to others. *hehe*) Although my experience is limited and I feel like I've accomplished in my almost thirty-two years of life what I would have hoped to accomplish in the first twenty-five (*insert face palm again* #latebloomer), I'm grateful that those experiences have taught me who the Savior is to me. 

He's someone I can give my thirty-two-year-accumulation of five loaves and two fishes to and He'll make something of it. He's someone that answers prayers and sends us abroad and then answers more prayers when we're ready to come home. And then He's someone who compassionately listens when we ask Him if it's possible to be in two places at once. He's someone who patiently teaches us how to simplify and prioritize and then gives specific direction to unfreeze our gym account so we can be stronger for childbearing. And He's someone who says, "I can't promise you hip hop dancing but keep it on your list and we'll see what we can do." He's someone who wisely orchestrates a resume of experiences which qualifies you for professional opportunities. And then He's someone who allows you to experience the joy and satisfaction of giving back while still learning yet even more.

It was a lonely weekend. But #BecauseofHim, it was a sanctified one as well. That's just how He is! 😊😊😊